Tall Tuesday: Cap and Trade

I was listening to this episode of Living On Earth the other day, regarding the recent Republican sweep in the elections and the impact on climate change legislation and heard this sound bite from the Federal Senator-elect from Wisconsin, Ron Johnson:

“No, I absolutely do not believe the science of man-caused climate change is proven, not by any stretch of the imagination. I think it's far more likely that it's just sunspot activity or something in geologic eons of time where we have changes in the climate.”

I would like to stretch Mr. Johnson's imagination with the following letter.

Dear Senator-elect Johnson from Wisconsin,

I have an alternative "cap and trade" proposal to help reduce global warming that will be a much less costly alternative to the one currently being proposed in Congress. It is a known fact that 20-30% of heat loss is through the human head. I can confirm this through personal experience. I am 6’7”, and when I am in a crowded room it is hot! Scientists say that the global warming trend started accelerating after the 1960’s. Suspiciously this also happens to be when hats went into serious decline in popularity.

Therefore I say, “A cap on every head! The broader the better!” Just look at the facts:

1) Global warming directly due to humans will decrease by 20-30%
2) The sagging U.S. milliner industry will increase exponentially, creating more jobs.
3) The extra shade provided by the broad brims will help decrease temperatures.
4) Hats with lighter colors or reflective materials will reflect back the sun’s rays.
5) America will look more dapper, feel better about themselves and bring back pride in the U.S.A.!

Now for the second part of my proposal it’s a known fact that people 6’3” and above are tall! I can confirm this with a tape measure. Because we are taller with more surface area and are closer to the sky we inadvertently contribute to global warming more than our shorter brothers and sisters. And talls living in the northern climates are unfortunately incrementally increasing the rate of melting of the glaciers and Arctic sea ice.

Thus I propose providing government incentives for talls in the northern states trading places with those of shorter stature in the southern states. The migration of talls to the south will reduce the heat stress on the more sensitive northern climate. Our extra size coupled with broad brimmed hats will provide even more shade to the southern climates and will actually reduce temperatures there. It’s a win-win for the environment!

“Trade your smalls for talls!” Well, that might not be the best slogan, but I’m sure your campaign managers will come up with something.

Until then lets hope the Earth’s core gets back to normal and those darn sunspots go away!

Peace on Earth. Goodwill towards man.

Sincerely,
Ken Eaton


About the art:
I spent more time writing than illustrating this one. Drawn with Hunt quill pen, ink and watercolor on cheap watercolor paper.